I was in the shower earlier and I got to thinking about all the wrongs and mistakes I have made so far; deep I know for a bloody shower. It then quickly progressed to thinking about what would happen to me after I’m gone. Do I really believe in heaven and hell? Do I believe in evolution, science, adaptations etc. or is everything I see just too advanced and too developed for everything to have begun from a big explosion?
I don’t think I can force myself to believe that there’s some man up in the sky looking down on us all, simply observing our moves like a game of chess. You win some you lose some. I know we’re supposedly all born into sin and we have to somehow redeem ourselves through prayer and being in touch with God but if God was/is truly omnipotent then surely he would have foreseen Eve take that fruit? I don’t like the thought of life being one big game to someone and I’m just one in a billion playing along.
It could be argued that if we believe in evolution then we should believe in magic. It’s weird but for a world to develop in the way it has through knowledge, science and everything else there has to be someone behind it. There’s always a slice of logic behind a card trick and everything’s an illusion … I don;t even know where I’m going with this point; such a deep topic with so many questions unanswered.
I remember one time I stayed round a girl’s house I used to be friends with and her and her Mum were particularly religious – Christian – and they started telling me about angels, demons, God himself and all their beliefs etc. At the time I felt really uncomfortable and almost like I was being forced to believe but that night I had a dream about me eating a slice of fruit bread and apparently that is largely significant to religion because of the Holy Communion and what not.
I think I’d like to be baptised just to be on the safe side. I’m not at all convinced about about God being a Son, a Father but I can imagine him being some sort of Spirit and that is reassuring. In times of need or when bad things have happened and I’m hurting but I can’t talk to anyone else, I do pray. Even if it is just a way of keeping my sanity and getting everything out in the open so I can hear it, I do feel like someone is listening and whether that’s God or I’m just talking to myself; it’s reassuring none the less. Baptism seems a good way of just making sure that if there is anything in the afterlife, I’m guaranteed a good spot and I like the thought of going to a confessional or being welcome in a church environment and just letting everything out. Even if it is just to have a little cry and pray to be put on the right track again – it’s that sense of not being alone.
Not sure how I’d be able to be baptised though, nor do I know of anyone who’d really want to come.
Guess what; I’m lost again.